Coin Operated Boy

So much going on for me lately... both good and incredibly bad.

Transition wise, things are going swimmingly. It is funny though, I recently looked at pics of myself when I first met Whoretic, and to see how much I have changed in that time, is pretty full on. Ya see, until very recently I didnt really **see** any changes. I heard the change in my voice, especially since the TABOO doco shoot when I was with T.

I find it amazing that there are people who meet me now who could never have guessed that I was Trans*, On my Birthday, at Sircuit *Gay Leather bar with a mixed couple of nights) I went there with some of my urban family and friends, and met random Sircuit Guy D, who was amazed at Nateboys want to transition, and how he would never have guessed Nateboy was Trans, until he opened his mouth.. to which I said, Me: "Could you pick me?"
D: "what"
Me "Could you pick my voice"
"D "As?"
Me "Trans"
D - *Splutter* Serious?/

There are people around me now who couldnt ever have guessed,and I love that, though there is a part of me that feels... bad? odd? about not telling people that I am. I am not sure why the need, it is not to feel "special", but to remind them that people are not always as they seem.. I think.

Dangerous Curves gave me Testogel 5mgs x 2 for my birthday, which was sweet, but I have no idea on how to use this, and if it will mess with my Sustanon shots to take these as well/ instead of,  for the time I have them

More soon,  Promise.

I have been writing a lot, and thinking even more about a lot of things, and I realise i dont post much anywhere, due to my lack of confidence in my writing skills for anything more than smut. I know I can make people feel amazing, and hot and horny with my words. But I am more than a little concerned at my ability to get the thoughts in my head, that arent so sex focused onto the screen, and not sound like a wanker...

But I will be writing more, here and at the http://asickmindforthewicked.wordpress.com blog...

aaah Reandron, it  seems to be a funny beast, Whilst I am liking the lack of sharp stabby things into my flesh, I am not liking the feelings of a "lack of control" over my transition, that the fortnightly jabs gave me. Also, less in the way of an anti-depressant effect. I think I will give it one more shot, given by the doc correctly this time, and then, if I feel the same I will go back to the 2 week cycle. I am noticing more in the way of hair here and there, and especially the "useless fur" patch on my arms.  I couldnt cry on Cypionate, it just wouldnt come, but I find with the Reandron, i am back to being a bawler. Which when I was enjoying being the solid, quiet, thoughtful type, rather than public bawling boy...

I have been thinking a lot about my appearance, and not in the regular ways of "I hate my chest" etc. I think I genuinely like the way I am starting to look, other than occasional head hair dramas, and the hatred of my physicality which seems to shove its way through, and totally knocks me for six with a mix of self hatred and dyshoria, always at the most inopportune times.

Other than a distinct lack of facial hair, that it seems my genetics is not going to let me have, things are looking up for me, and the amazing compliment of an old friend has reminded me that a lot of people will see differences where i will not, as I see myself every day.

I wish my workmates had left milk here for me tonight, *sigh*

I stil love shaving my face, more and more every time

hello Livejournal, I am such a bad bad writer guy... not been near you in weeks... please forgive me...

now, onto some news....

I started on the Reandron today, the 3 monthly testosterone shot, that means, with my fear of needles, only 4 shots a year, rather than one every fortnight. It is 4ml, rather than one ml, and I used a 21guage in one leg, and 25 guage in the other, splitting the shots to 2ml each. It felt less thick that the Sustanon 250 did, and there is not much in the way of soreness in either leg *hooray*

I am coming up to my 2 year Manniversary, and I am so happy with how things have gone so far as transition goes. Other than a distinct lack of the facial hair I was hoping for, everything is going swimmingly.

it kinda feels like starting transition all over again... changing T's, but I am interested to see the differences between the 2, other than the sheer amount pumped into me. it makes me wonder how it all works, and how my body will cope with the flood of it, then petering out over the months ahead.

I will be sure to let you know, those of you that still read this.

oh and PS, I finally got myself a leather jacket... pics to come...

I can never understand how this works, the second I am getting "into" my body, feeling my masculinity as the ground zero, comfortable, building blocks, and then I get she'd... actually, it was  more than that "I love a woman who can play pool", which led me to say.." I am not a woman, and b) i suck so much at pool it is laughable." He was shocked, and apologised, in that "yeah right!" kinda way

I again feel I am at that odd point when Gay men see me as a woman, Dykes see me as male, straight people see me as a gay guy, and most genderqueer and transpeople just read me as me.... how the fuck does that happen?

I have been told it is the way I dress, the way i walk, talk, interact, some or all of the above and that I am just "not quite" Not quite what???

I suppose I am just being narky cranky face...

Anyway, enough bitching... fun stuff soon!

this is the pic I took on that footy train from a previous post, and on either side, there are seats, and then in front of me is the closest person in a "standing room only" train.. *laughs*



does this look like the face of a scary Bear? *laughs* this is me today, mid 'flu... actually looking at this I would stand a fair way back so as not to get sick...

It is funny, I obviously look strange enough to have about 4ft of room around me on a packed "going-to-tha-footy" train. Packed with rednecks, bogans and all the kinds of people that freak ME out, all packed so close that they may have actually been copulating. I have all the room in the train...

Sometimes I love being a little weird!!

ma_vie_en_rose7 asked me in a prev post: "Forgive me if you've mentioned this previously, but have you come out at work?
If so, how did that go?"

At my current place of work, I started my interview process as R(female name) - when I walked in for my interview, they looked behind me to see where R(female name) was. *laugh* When I explained the way things were, they were fine, and just recommended that I start as Hunter and use the correct bathroom and so on, and come out/not come out as I chose.

Everyone in my place of work knows about me, I think. I am more than happy to be out about this. I like making people think about gender in their day to day lives.

There is one person at work that calls me Hunter-ess, as he thinks it is very funny. I dont want to rock the boat, but each time he says it I want to rip his eyes out. I should say something again ( I have mentioned something previously), but I think in the grand scheme of things I have had it incredibly easy, and I will mention something when i cannot take it anymore.

It is something i was very out about in the interview process to the jobs I applied for, to my detriment in one case *I feel*

I know that some people choose to wait to come out until their transition is noticeable. I had a couple of friends who chose to take that route, they had established positions, and then from there came out one by one until everyone knew. With a new job, being interviewed as the gender I am read as most, male, I am not sure how I would choose to do things next time.

something for me to think on.

Latest pic of the bear.

Bear in the bathrooms at Sircuit bar, taken last night.

I SO want to shoot porn in that bathroom.

After wandering into the stall after the amazing drag queen Mama Crass, the thoughts that maybe drag Queens piss feathers....

I seem to be able to drink more beer than I used to. I am not sure on the statistics of this though, or if it is just me.

Great night, good company and lots of hot, hot men!

The very wonderfulsubonfire asked me what has not changed since my transition, and to be honest , it is not a thing i have thought of much.

I suppose it comes to my own mental stuff. I am still me on the inside, getting on Testosterone that worked with my body did not "save the day" like so many people think it will. It saved my mental health, when my body started to align with my mental view of myself. I expected to start to react in certain ways like some people had told me I would.

My anger did not sky rocket, I did not turn into an aggression fueled monster. I thought I would have to take care of that in so many ways, having heard so many horror interactions that it is something that would change dramatically. I Have found myself calmer and more centered than anything else.

i had done a lot of research, possibly too much - and was pretty sure about what would and would not change.

I guess the main changes are physical, that I was hoping for, and have not happened yet. I am not the wookie I wanted to be. I am alot more hairy, but no where near as much as I though. similarly with facial hair, no Grizzly Adams for me - but I am only early on relatively.

Interestingly, and not something I had thought of, I still get hate directed at me from the same kinds of people, but now because I look like a faggot, and not a dyke, and whilst a part of me chuckles that at least it hurts a little less now they are getting my gender right, I am disheartened that I still have violence directed at me. But not by women now, these days it is all men.

I still have to get up every morning, go to my job, come home, eat, sleep etc. I just get to go through life with a lot less gender dysphoria than I did previously. I still have my days, where nothing seems to align, and even people that know me are Transphobic asswipes (less and less though)  but on the whole, just having my body align with my head is amazingly good.

Thanks subonfire. I will think more on this and elaborate more soon.

I yanked this from Sinfest... I love it. and it pretty much spells me out when I am in one of those moods.

"We cannot show this sailors face on the internet"

It is interesting the way things work, my hand eye co-ordination and spacial skills have gotten better. Before, I could not catch very well,and certainly could not throw things straight, unless it was for basketball or whatever. I find these things amazing to notice, being able to catch things, and feeling comfortable with my body is an amazing thing. I may be able to actually play pool decently now!! I had heard that these things change, as well as my lack of direction asking *joking*

My upper body strength has changed dramatically, and I seem to tire less than before. Whether it be carrying things, fending Whoretic off me *grin* which is a new thing for both of us or when I have done push-ups, I can do more. for longer periods. Which is encouraging me to do more working out, etc.

When I yell, with a lower voice it sounds like I am angry, really really angry, also, unless I yell loud I cant be heard in venues with loud music. Voice changes I have only really noticed if I hear my own voice bouncing back at me on the headsets at work, and when people call me "the man on the phone" to others.

I have also noticed the animals interacting with me more... Ewok is not very good with men, and as my transition has moved forward,she acts different with me, as she has been mistreated in the past. She still comes to me in the middle of the night when it was storming outside. Lawrence is always very sweet, and just seems to spend more time rubbing her face on my feet, and has always used me as a ramp. Cinnamon has been the biggest change, she loves boy, and seems to be spendin more and more time letting me rub her belly, and chatting in my general direction, when not sleeping, or eating.

I had a conversation Whoretic this morning.. about my desires, and about people and things I have done in the past, before and after the start of my transition... this is a reminder to me to tell me to write about it. I learned something about myself, I just need to put it into words.

Long time no post... again....

I seem to be back to whingy rant land, mostly put there by the intense migraines I seem to be getting more and more, and i can trace to to once i started testosterone, now I am not sure  if that is likely, or just me being a drama queen, but maybe it is just a case of me needing more water and less of the caffeinated beverages.

I have decided to lose some weight. I am never going to be a muscle boy, and that is not where I want to be, as much as I jack off about Tom of Finland looking men, I do not want to look like them. I am a chunky boy, and ok with that. I am thinking more of my surgery, and longevity of life. I am less large than I have ever been, but about the same heaviness (I hope that makes sense) i am buying clothes not just in big mans stores now, and I am thinking of the end result of chesxt surgeries. I know there will be more than one for me to get the result I want.

But i guess I have never actively gone out to lose weight before... I mean, I just have... after break-ups and so on. When I started T I lost a heap, and seem to have just jumped onto eating more. So I am struggling a little. I realised that I eat bad stuff out of habit, and it seems easier sometimes. I am nervous about me getting too much into "needing results" and back to "eating disorderville" like in my teenage years.

So it is a new project for me... I actually think it may help my own feeling of not passing well enough and feeling down about me. Worrying about my own health is a shitty hobby to have... so it will be nice to just get into a routine and get another hobby started...
.
.
.
coffee without sugar tastes weird... (and the spelling of weird, just is)

I am having difficulty seeing the differences in my transition pictures. It is the weirdest thing. Today, a work colleague who is made of win told me that I have changed "so much"  in the pics I have posted on here and on face book. I didnt post them to fish for compliments... but for me to have a visual time line. Maybe i search to hard for major changes, but I still cant see anything. I still see the "little boy" in the pics, not the "guy" that most people seem to see.

I am read as male 99 percent of the time currently, which is awesome. still occasionally getting "ladies" when I am standing next to someone who is usually read as female, but not a "Lady". FFS even one of the doctors I went to relatively recently told me I should try harder to be the woman, as a transexual, "you think you are", So We (trans* people) are invisible there as well.

I know I am bitching, again, about the same damn things. "Waa waa, I am not being read as male enough - Waa waa I am not changing enough - Waa Waa the world is so mean" I am just tno sure what to do with it emotionally. I get angry, then I stop trying and then I get angry some more. 

I was talking to the lukadragon  about why I like being the way I am, Why I tell people I am trans relatively early, and how it is important for me to get into the fighting and showing people things to make things easier for other transmen in the future, Like many other Butches and Transmen fought hard to make my life easier. Just like they were for me, I am more than happy to try to make peoples paths easier, by taking the bumpier road.

I dont know why people think it is ok to ask personal questions to transpeople that they would never ask a cisgendered one. I am half tempted when people tell me something about them, to ask a personal question about their genitalia and sex with their partners, what theire "real name" is and what plans they have for the future. See, i know people are curious, and just want to "understand" the things that they dont... but you see, in my world, you do research, and ask questions on things you dont understand with manners, gentleness to the topic.

I will quit my whinging... but a question, how do others quote with the anger at stupidity of others? and for others of you, do you feel you look no different?

Now that I have my laptop and some of my older pics, i can do a pics post...

a hey look at me now versus then...( on to the pics.... )
Anywho, more -pics when I have more.

.1 What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
I actually started to take care of myself, and spend some time caring about myself, and thinking of my future.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I can't remember what my New Years Resolutions were last year. But I have made more for this coming year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Apparently my half sister did... I am not sure.
( the rest of it.... )</div>